This is a lot of reading, but at least this is all completely real. You don't even have to respond to this or "like" it on Facebook... this is just me sharing my heart and feelings in a stressing way. To make it simple, I've divided this blog entry into several sections. Take a look:
Table of Contents for this Blog Entry:
* Reuniting With Old Friends
* The Quest to Reunite
* Secret Agendas
* That Unloved Feeling
I've gotten to know and become friends with lots of people ranging from middle school to high school and to the only two colleges/universities I've ever attended. In 1999, I was no longer a student of Milby High School here in Houston thanks to a dark fate I've suffered. My chance to graduate along with lots of friends of mine was taken away from me. I've done some dumb crap that has gotten me basically expelled. I would go to three different high schools in one year. I spent the next two years of my high school life in Hell. I would graduate as Most Improved Student in my lonely 15-Senior graduating class. Then I entered college. I went to Houston Community College-Southeast to try to up my GPA to enter Lamar University. I needed a 2.0 GPA, and I got a 3.0 GPA. I then went on to Lamar in 2002. My dream was to enter the realm of Computer Animation. I wanted to try my hand at making my own 3D graphics like in the Toy Story movies and such. Trouble is, I lasted only 11 weeks at Lamar. People whom I thought I could trust as friends all of a sudden gave up on me. The common thing was about people feeling uncomfortable in my presence. So amid my unwavering sadness, I returned to Houston after my computer art dreams went bust. I would get to meet many more people the world over as I went to HCC-Southeast. I would eventually earn my Associate's in the Arts.
I then try to reconnect with old faces and former classmates. I do know that not everyone has social networking accounts. Not everyone uses the Internet religiously. So I try to find as many old friends as possible and try to stay connected. All I ever want is to continue to stay in touch with old personal friends of mine. Even at times, I try to meet people whom I've never personally met. Certainly on Myspace, I go on what I call "tours" in which I try to find some people from around the world to be friends with. It's all to show my extended appreciation to many more people around the world instead of just here in Houston.
Not everyone uses Myspace. Some are only on Facebook and are happier on Facebook. I've felt like I could connect with people better on Facebook as I started to become more active on Facebook. But even still, I can only do so much on Facebook. Granted I have much fewer friends on Facebook than Myspace, I still feel like there are those past friends of mine and former classmates that just wouldn't give me the time of day or any kind of hope.
So any attempts to try to reconnect with people whom I've personally known or briefly known have either been successful or have been failed attempts.
All I try to do is try to reunite with some people. Sad news is that people whom I thought were friends of mine or that I had a loving trust with somehow just put me aside- re-reminding me of the depressed state of mind I've once lived endlessly in high school. The biggest slap in the face is that for some people I've tried to reconnect with online, if I attempted to request them as friends again... I get blocked. That's right- BLOCKED. Like I'm just an insignificant nobody or that some people don't want to reconnect with me EVER again.
Another minor issue to this is knowing that when I try to connect with some people online, they kind of drop me as they are probably unsure as to how I remember them so well by their name or their image. That's kind of a shocking deal. It makes me wonder if I should have sent a friend request, or maybe some people are stunned as to how I know some people have accounts on Myspace and Facebook. That's happened before, but I feel sad or guilty for sending a friend request to someone as some wonder how I was able to find out how some people think I know them.
Sometimes, I've became friends with some people online... only to be dropped from friends later. It makes me wonder if I got accepted as friends just for temporary happiness. But let this be said- when I give a friend request, it's because I have the greatest of respect for someone and want to continually show my loving respect to others for as long as I and the social networking site is around. I want to be friends with people I meet in real life because I want to show my loyal respect to others for as long as I have life in me and for as long as life doesn't pass me by.
I try to show happiness and love and respect to other people to show I'm a better person. Some think I'm trying to make friends just to be more popular. I made the effort to try to make myself more popular (and even transparent) through videos and blog entries. Problem is, as much as I wish that people would just give me a chance... I wish I probably could have done more to earn their respect. I don't think I'm a bad person at all. I may do some stupid things at times, but I'm human. Not perfect. I don't believe in expectations, but I guess some people have higher standards to be friends with them. Either that, or I'm not genuine enough to some people. It hurts me more with people I've known personally. The one thing I hate most is for people to stop caring about me without giving me a reason why they don't like me anymore.
One thing I do realize is that people read some of my blogs or watch some of my videos and decide to cut me as friends. Maybe since I say that I like or dislike things other people either love or loathe. Thing is... people will love or hate things. Don't just base all friends like they have to like everything you do to be friends. I think I've lost a friend when I said that I was not really a rock music person or a country music person. And I mean, I'm not the ONLY one who thinks the same way! There are people who hate hip-hop music and want nothing to do with it, but does that mean that because someone likes hip-hop music that they aren't worthy of being friends? I'm ashamed to admit that "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus is a song I like. Am I a terrible person just because I actually listen to and like that song? There are people that love and hate many things. If I've lost your trust because I like certain things that you may not, it's called life. I am popular with people, but it doesn't mean I'll be completely popular with everything. Everyone is different in their own way. I just hate when some people just stop caring about me when I have no problem with other people.
The reason why I feel so sad about this is because I don't think I'm any kind of bad person. I give friend requests because there are people whom I feel happy to know and meet. I'm trying to stay in touch and show my continued support. But... I get denied. It makes me wonder how people honestly feel about me and if it's enough to even be acceptable. For the reasons that very few people truly care about me and my work, it's the reason why...
* ...I can't convert any Myspace friend requests into meeting new friends. Either requests become unanswered (and eventually dropped) or denied.
* ...there are people I can no longer seem to connect with via Facebook. Making me wonder if people still care about me anymore away from the computer (especially with people I've known personally).
* ...hardly anyone wants to view my YouTube videos or subscribe to my channel. I struggle to get views and subscribers. I joined YouTube on November 8, 2008. I didn't get to 50 subscribers until June 2009 and didn't get to 100 subscribers until August 2009.
* ...hardly anyone wants to visit my blog and comment and actually help me to prosper in blogging as I aspire to do. I want to try to prosper as a blogger, so that's why I joined Adsense and Amazon Associates. I even tried to get followers through Google Friend Connect and NetworkedBlogs. And up until earlier this year, I've had no followers of any kind.
So I've come to a point where I feel like crying to myself and feeling like life will never get better for me ever again. I feel like I'm having my midlife crisis at 27 years of age. All I want to do is connect with people and show my continued kindness to others. But in essence, there have been some whom I really consider special and truthful who refuse to give me a chance. I've had to deal with depression and feeling like nobody cares. That's why I try to be kind and respectful to others because I see the goodness in people and that I know I can make a positive impact to others. And if I do something people don't like, it was probably unintentional or that I had an idea of consequences for my actions.
That's what I believe in. I feel sometimes that we live in such a negative world where people no longer believe in the concept of "forgive and forget." I feel that some people never want to be great friends with others anymore. Nobody wants to get married anymore or have children together. It's why I'm thankful there are friends of mine who show me that there is hope and promise and happiness in this world. But every friend I lose and every person who no longer cares about me (at least on the Internet) makes me feel more and more like I'm no longer of use to anybody anymore. I don't want to feel like that, but some people make it seem like I can't be trusted or loved anymore.
As I noted in the past, I love meeting new people. I love showing my continued support and love to people. I hate feeling like I can't meet anybody new. I hate feeling like I can't connect with a past face. Now if an old friend completely forgets me, that's acceptable. But if an old friend completely forgot me and doesn't want to at least friend me, I become worried. I am a person who has felt like I'm the only person who loves me (and besides my family and God). I love meeting people, especially those willing to show their support and kindness to me. I hate it when people whom I consider friends or think of as friends won't return the favor through accepting me as friends or keeping me as friends. On Facebook, when I posted a comment from my Twitter feed that I can't seem to make new friends anymore, I got an outpouring of support by some of my friends, which really helps me to feel loved and feel that people DO care about me. Some people just want nothing to do with me despite the fact that I have no intent to present a bad image of myself to others. Someone even said that I have a better idea as to who my true friends are by knowing there are people who still care. Thing is (again), I have a heavy heart knowing that there's still goodness in people that people still care about me.
When I had my birthday back on January 15 of this year, I've gotten over 40 comments on Facebook wishing me happy birthday. I felt so loved that about 20 to 25 percent of all of my Facebook friends wished me a happy birthday. I admit that there are those few people who really get to me. I feel like everyone has to regard me highly to feel happy personally.
Thinking about this issue has gotten me to feel like I can't do anything right anymore. I've even felt like doing a video on this, but I didn't feel positive enough to do a video on my problem. So I went to blogging. I'm thinking of doing a video project at the Houston Auto Show this weekend, but I've doubted that I can make that quality video because I still haven't found a decent way to make a quality video with my new Insignia NS-DV1080P. Or at least, trying to successfully upload videos from my camcorder to my PC. I'm doubting myself and feel like nothing is going right for me. And I'm still stuck at 232 YouTube subscribers as of this blog entry. I have only three followers on Google Friend Connect and NetworkedBlogs. I've plateaued online with no positive progress or hope for me. It's happened to me before, and this time is no different. I just hate continually bumbling along and not making any further positive progress. If I make something for the online public, it's up to the people to help expand my personality. And when the public is stagnant, so does my material.
Well, I've discussed as much as I could. I just feel terribly unhappy. Like as much as I try to feel important and loved, there are some people whom I've respected who doesn't respect me anymore. No forgive and forget. No reconciliation. It's just, "there's the door. Don't let it knock you on the butt." Sad there's no medicine to cure this disease. But at least... I've shared my most recent struggle in life and in online media. I'm not asking for help... I'm just asking for love. I feel so unloved and feel like I can't make any positive progress anymore. Some people just don't seem to care about me anymore. Not everybody, but some people. And it's sad. TRULY sad. No one seems to care about me anymore...