When I was a student of Milby High School here in Houston, I had a very caring and respectful counselor named Mrs. Lewis. I would arrange to talk with an on-campus psychologist every Tuesday to talk about my issues. My mother would even take me to see a psychologist to further talk about things. She paid to let me get this counseling so I could be in a clear head in life. Times were getting rougher to where I'd basically be kicked out of school.
The next two years of my life were only depressing. I felt like the only ally I have in my own war is myself. My potential as a student seemed to decline to valley proportions as I advanced further in my life as a grade school student. For my Junior and Senior years, I had no other choice but to go through an alternative magnet program here in Houston called the Middle College for Technology Careers. I didn't like what kind of person I've become. There weren't as many people whom I could trust with my life to make times better for myself. It felt like canoeing down a river without a partner. I would eventually graduate in June 2001, giving my best efforts. I ranked 15th out of my lonely 15 Seniors, but I would graduate as most improved student. A load was off of my shoulders as I began to think about college.
I went to Houston Community College-Southeast Campus to get my way into Lamar University (Beaumont, Texas, USA) in 2002. I needed a 2.0 GPA, and I ended up with a 3.0 GPA. Life was good... until things plummeted. My four-year journey to become a Computer Animator (the likes of Disney Pixar) lasted only 11 weeks. The more people stopped accepting and respecting me, the more I felt like I was still in high school. I had a roommate until he was called up to move on to the new dorms. So here I am- by my lonesome with nobody but God. I was 75 miles and a two-hour drive away from home. One Saturday, I even called my mother to ask how they were doing. Then on perhaps my unluckiest day of the year (Halloween), my dream was over. I've made lots of mistakes and done some things I otherwise wouldn't, and my dream was over.
So I remained in Houston just trying to get an Associate's in the Arts. It was a long journey starting in 2003, but I would finally realize my journey in 2008 when I got my Associate's in the Arts. Had I did it in Fall 2007, I probably would have gotten my degree earlier. As I graduated, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Because I was unsure of what I wanted to work towards a degree for, I basically stayed away from college. My ambitions changed from Computer Animation to Graphic Design, then Graphic Design to Broadcasting and Journalism. And finally... I decided to start a YouTube channel. According to Blogspot, I started this blog you're reading right now back in May 2007. I made my first blog entry back on January 23, 2009 for a blog I somehow started almost two years ago since the first post. This blog entry was initially intended to be about the Gran Turismo series. As I started running low on ideas, I started blogging about a few other things. My blog would later go on to feature many more topics.
I later just wanted to talk about things other than Gran Turismo. That is where I begun to take blogging more seriously. I did a blog entry talking about how my video called "What Was KanYe Thinking?" ended up getting 4,000 views in just two days. YouTube wanted me to profit from my video by joining Google Adsense. I guess I'm upset that I didn't take advantage of this sooner. Months later, when people stopped watching it (and making fun of me in the process), I wouldn't make ANYTHING off of my video. So I now feel like the only thing I can commit to is blogging and YouTube. That's why I've given up on trying to get a Bachelor's so I could try to make something of myself in the realm of online media. I basically want to make my own career within the realm of online media.
So where does the sadness come in? I basically became undecided on what I actually want to major in and decided to build up my blog and YouTube career to be something special. All that I've worked for basically goes for very little (if at all). Am I in a hole I can't escape? No. I've just excelled in a field that I think will occupy me and reward me. I chose blogging and YouTube rather than in a certain career field or educational field I probably was going to be disinterested in for months or years. This is what I've chosen to do, and I've made every possible stride to try to profit from my work. I CAN make it as a YouTube channel. I CAN make it as a blogger. I have great interest and love for what I do.
But sometimes, in the back of my mind, I often wonder if I could actually do something that I can be heralded and respected for. I wonder if I could have graduated from Milby in high school or Lamar in college. I could be living a much happier life, but I'm not. Most people my age (27 years old as of 5/10/2010), have moved on with their lives and are doing just fine. Happily married. Children. Great-paying jobs. Great social status. Meanwhile, I've never had a true girlfriend in my life. Never dated, never kissed, had many special friends... but never one I could truly feel I could be with and love as my future wife and the mother of my future children. These things alone sadden me the more I look on about my life. We only live one life. A lot of times, the things we do will limit our chances at second chances. Life is unfair, but we should all be thankful for what time we do have.
One element of my sadness is in the fact that I've always felt like a liability and a habitual failure. Something was always wrong with me, I somehow contribute to some negative situation... it just feels like nothing ever goes right for me sometimes. Any chance to extremely feel relevant to people just means nothing to people. Like my personality can only go so far. My YouTube channel can only be so popular. My blog can only get so many views and subscribers. I can never feel like I can mean something to anyone. I can't amount to anything really special. I know people care and are willing to give things chance, but never really give me a chance. Some people just think I'm a nobody and doesn't want to regard me as anything special. I try to fit in among a mostly mainstream audience online, and get kicked down so many times. I know I'm not mainstream in actions and in appearance, but I'm as much of a human being as anybody else. So by not being as popular or as respected, I've tried to do something to help myself feel better when I'm down.
Because some people are so fickle-minded (including people whom I thought were friends of mine), I've decided to lend my happiness and support to good people with good hearts. I want people to have opportunities and hope that I may have never had in my time alive. I want to be the Master Key to open doors of opportunity and promise for people. I want to be hope and belief for people whom most need the support. There have been people who couldn't care less about me. You don't have to like me, but at least respect me. You don't have to remind me that I'm ugly (because no one has ever called me handsome outside of my family and a few friends of mine). But I can see goodness in the hearts of people. Just that it can be tough to find that goodness. I guess I become too naive at times.
What I try to do is be a positive voice and a great fan. I will show my love and support for someone or something in ways many people never shown much love and support for me. I want to be like the food and drinks to keep people from starving or thirsty. I want the best for people. There is so much negativity in the world that we often times forget what positive there is in the world and all who help to make life better. When there are athletes that I am a fan of or teams that I am a fan of, and when both are struggling, I always want to look for positives and hope times get better before they get much worse. This also applies to almost anything.
I am also not a good teammate. Most of my ideas would get tossed to the side or that I could never positively contribute to anything. And in so, I've been so independent. That's why I say I am an "independent blogger and YouTube director," and the reason is because only I feel I can make my blog better. Others can offer advice, but only I know how to make my material move and move in a way only I can approve of and work towards.
Thinking about some of these things has caused me to question how far I've come and to what level of success I could have aspired to if I had stuck with my previous ambitions. But sometimes, we all have different callings. Mine was YouTube and blogging.
I'm sorry I've spent so much time about my own sadness. I just wanted to offer my own insight in describing the nature of sadness.
* Give people chances. If you see potential and promise in someone, show that they have that level of promise and hope to reach that higher level.
* Do kind things for people. Simply saying hello to someone offers them kindness and leads them to smile, even if for a second. At least you did something to make them happy. Be sunshine where there are clouds and storms.
* Work with people. Maybe one of the most interesting moments in my life on Myspace was when I met a mother who has an autistic child and trying to get a job and go back to school. If you can't work with someone directly, the next best thing to do is to pray that times get better for them. I tend to believe in the power of prayer. It isn't anything concrete to help people, but at least it's better than doing nothing.
* If you are alone and sad, then simply do things to help you feel better.
* Offering hugs and calming words can help someone feel better personally.
* Some people believe that exercise can help you feel better, so try to do some exercise to clear your mind.
There are many ways to deal with sadness. You just have to find the best method to help you or someone else.
This blog entry has been about dealing with sadness from some of my own experiences. I hope this helped you. Let's do what we can to help people than let them be by themselves fighting a battle they can't win. Please have a great day and Thank you for reading!
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