If I was playing Word Association to describe 2011 for me so far, my word would be "disappointment." There were either too many things that just didn't really keep me in good spirits, or it was just a year where falling flat was commonplace. There have been times where I haven't personally felt happy or active. Because of these instances and moments in my life, I feel personally unhappy and unable to positively go through certain days and nights. This is a personal piece regarding disappointment.
--- Disappointment in General ---Disappointment can take on many forms and originate from many things. I hate disappointing people I am trying to win the respect of, or at least feel like I am not doing enough with current fans of my online work. You may probably say that I think too much about everything once you read some of these points:
My Own Disappointments.Each bullet notes a certain disappointment. Get an idea of my own disappointments as I try to offer some motivation if you feel disappointed yourself.
• I feel like I am disappointing my YouTube fanbase by not posting as many videos lately. Some people on YouTube say that I should be making more videos. I try to make every effort to at least conceptualize videos. I sometimes even (true story) talk to myself as I'm heading to sleep, imagining that I'm making a video I'll release to YouTube. Does it mean I'll properly make that video? Usually not. The fact I could be doing more on YouTube to support my YouTube fanbase disappoints me.
• I feel like 2011 has been a disappointment blogging because I used to get 3,000 hits daily. These days, I'm thankful I reach or surpass 2,000 hits daily. Involvement with most of my posts have been mostly trial and error. Not as many are interested in some of the different Amazon material I post since moving most material to John's Shop Space. I made these moves for two reasons: (1) to decrease my workload on "John's Blog Space," and (2) to remove any and all perceptions people may have that I'm blogging for money rather than for posting quality content.
On the other hand, I've gotten a good deal more Followers on Google than in 2009 and 2010. I have also noticed having more subscribers than I used to have. Sometimes, I feel like not as many people care about "John's Blog Space" anymore. Almost as if my efforts to continually maintain and update my content isn't reflected with more views and more involvement. If I give up on blogging, all I'll have left is YouTube. I love blogging too much to give up on it.
• Another blogging disappointment is that I feel I don't get as many loyal readers as I could. Not focusing on a specific topic for all of my posts leads to a really mismatched audience. I am not good at focusing on a specific topic or a specific niche. That's why I don't have a fashion blog. That's why I don't entirely focus on gaming. I get the feeling that niche material doesn't add up to enjoyable material. It also means that since it is a niche piece of content, that the only content I would be good at expressing is on that specific topic. That's why my blog(s) and my YouTube channel are about MULTIPLE topics with the focal point being on my opinion-making. Some things get expressed more than others, but I don't believe in categories besides the "Personal" category. I also feel guilty when the majority of posts regard a certain topic. That's why I always have to come up with a topic about something rather unexpected to break up a wave of related topics. Remember- my blog is about anything and everything! The element of surprise is a key factor in my online work's visibility.
• Call me crazy, but as a Gran Turismo fan, I've felt disappointment thinking about Gran Turismo 5 and the various aspects that could have made it better. I have some plans to release a blog post on how I'd make GT5 better or on GT5's most disappointing elements. That will be released on "John's Gran Turismo Space." There are too many disappointing elements that really driven me away from playing this game recently.
• Being a sports fan has been mostly disappointing for me stemming from 2010-2011. The Rockets stumbled all season long until finally getting above .500, the Texans last year had a great start (4-2) before stumbling to a 6-10 record. My 2011 Houston Astros were all kinds of failure, finishing with a 56-106 record. I couldn't even watch their final game of the season as it seemed like the fans cared more about teams other than the 2011 Houston Astros. You may even include the 2011 NCAA Division 1 Men's Basketball championship game between Butler and UConn. The game was sloppy as I was hoping for a better game. I don't know... I guess people thought this would be a poor game since it was played here in Houston.
• Maybe it's just how other people treat other people that disappoints me at times. You may remember that I blogged about Rebecca Black- the girl who wants to establish herself as a singing star. The disappointing thing was how people sent all sorts of unwarranted insults at her. People make good and bad songs, but some of the many things said about her were completely uncalled for and out of line. Thinking about how some people can act (like on YouTube), that has led me not to be as active as I used to be on YouTube.
• Playing some games, I just wonder how certain games I like could be much better. The thought that some games could be much better sometimes disappoints me. I guess even how the massive earthquake in Japan back in March affected game development and such has been a disappointment as well.
• Sometimes, I feel disappointed knowing that I can be in my most awkward moments and feel like I'm disappointing other people. I have even given in to certain rants against me from others. I often feel like I am less of a person than I really am in these moments. This also leads me to not focusing on things properly from a mental standpoint. Almost as if one awkward moment leads to me somehow being an idiot. It's like the pro sports mentality where since you are a professiona, making avoidable mistakes somehow makes you less of a team/athlete than you should be. Professional = perfection to most people. So anything less than perfection often equals failure. Then again, most people take ANYTHING to equal a level of importance as running and controlling a nation.
• I am disappointed after certain days when I feel like they could have been much better days. Some days are so bad that I wish I could have slept through the entire day rather than live certain days. I often think about what I could have done better after a bad day or a bad time.
My Own Disappointments: Summary.All in all, I guess I think too much about things, even about things well outside of my own control. That is the reason why I often don't think straight or feel confident in anything that I do. However, I guess I am driven by disappointment... in a surreal way. I think taking disappointment and having disappointment is a way to try to solve problems and make yourself better in the long run. Sort of like digging your own hole while trying to get out of that hole. Of course, who would want to dig their own hole? The only good to come out of taking on disappointment is your ability to survive and endure despite hardships.
The main point of all of this is that feeling disappointed can take on many things, stem from many things, and can snowball. You know you are not feeling all that well when it seems like you are disappointed about everything. Maybe disappointment is the result of having your own hopes for every day and everything, only for those hopes to be unfulfilled. The feeling that not everything works according to plan helps you feel disappointed.
I always take life like everybody hates me, and my goal is to try to win peoples' respect. I do blogging and YouTube. Those are two things I contribute to society. Rather than pretend people love my work, I sometimes pretend people don't like me and have to win their respect. I feel like I have to assure my fans why they love my work rather than continue doing what I do to win their respect. Perhaps this is just extra (and sometimes unnecessary) pressure I put on myself. However, it is the best way I feel I can prove myself in the online arena. I also want to do most of this work alone because I want to build character and confidence in myself. I do all of my own material online- typing blog posts, making music to supplement my video work, doing the artwork, and stuff like that. I feel I am the most qualified and able person to push my material in a favorable direction. While I do need the support of my loyal audience for guidance, I feel it is up to me and me alone to make the most of my work. All I can do is post quality material. Everything else- views, reactions, popularity... all depends on my audience. If the audience doesn't think my material is of great quality, it means I have failed in my efforts... which leads to disappointment.
Now you know the level of passion I work with in being the best in everything that I do (or almost everything).
If you have disappointment or things that disappoint you, you have to be able to treat those disappointments as quickly as you can before they get worse. Constantly feeling disappointed just leaves you feeling unable to enjoy life and unable to enjoy many things in life. It also helps to be more positive rather than feeling like you are constantly being dealt bad hands of cards (metaphorically speaking). Maybe I should take my own advice to help my own disappointment, but I always feel it is necessary to share my own problems in hopes I can help others relate with and solve their own problems. These abilities of sharing problems and offering solutions have been a trademark of mine for John's Blog Space and JohnMarineTube. When it comes to life issues and such, I care more about giving people things to relate to rather than getting views and making profit.
Everyone has disappointments and ways to handle disappointment. How do you deal? Share your ideas here. Thank you for reading!
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