Friday, March 4, 2011

Unloved and Disregarded

John Marine | 3/04/2011 02:25:00 AM | | | |
(UPDATED: April 2, 2012)

Ever get the feeling that nobody loves you and that anything you ever do goes for nothing? Welcome to feelings I've endured in my life- being unloved and disregarded. This is where you feel like anything positive you do will be put aside in favor of being remembered and regarded as a poor human being. I will try to help you all feel better if you have experienced these issues yourself.

SPECIAL NOTE: This was an incomplete blog post from 2010 being made available for 2011.


APR 2 2012 - updated majority of post

--- Unloved and Disregarded... Among Peers ---

I had a good idea that YouTube would be hectic when I joined and started making videos. And in so, I knew what to expect- people hating how I look, calling me racial slurs, gay slurs, one person even flooding my comments with racist material. It's okay not to like me, but when you go to throwing out racial slurs and gay slurs, it's deplorable.

Thankfully on YouTube, there were people who didn't think I had the best channel with the best videos, but still subscribed to me. All I ever want in life is to love and be loved. In 1998, I became so disappointed with myself and how my life was going (as a high school student) that I planned suicide. I felt like nobody loved me, nobody cared about me... so why am I still living? Then a year later, I would basically get kicked out of school and down the worst two years and three months of my life. Many of my friends from Milby High School here in Houston were people whom I thought I would never connect with ever again. And some whom I thought may remember me, either put me down or think I'm "stalking" them online.

Nothing really hurts me on social networking sites than when people drop me as a friend. People whom I thought were friends just look at me and feel disgusted I'm trying to reunite with them as friends. The end result? I feel terrible. It was the way I felt when I had terrible times at Lamar University. I lasted only 11 weeks when I could have stayed there for over a full 4-year span. I could have made something of myself and had a happy future to look forward to. But instead, I lasted only 11 weeks. As has been the case, my final class day was Halloween (my "official" unluckiest day of the year). The reason why I keep feeling like I can be in a much better place than where I'm at now is that I could have had a happier and more promising life. At 26 years old (as of this blog post), I've been reduced to nothing. I have no idea what I want to go to school to work towards a career in. Instead, I've gone to blogging and doing YouTube videos. I'm doing online media work because I've lost confidence in myself looking for something I can work towards in the future (besides online media). Then again... one thing I realize in social networking is that there are just some people who just aren't into social networking after a while. Still, that disconnect gives me worries about people whom I'm connected to online.

For the friends whom have supported my work and all I've been through, I'm thankful. I don't need support every day from others, but being with other people helps make some of the toughest tasks and toughest situations easier. They say that men don't cry. I don't believe in that because I'm an emotional person. Maybe I give up too easily and lose hope in things (like people with my YouTube channel), but I know that I'm all about the long haul. So even when I've been disregarded and unloved, I just keep doing what I do. Basically hoping that somebody will finally care for once. I haven't even gotten a single follower on Google of my blog. This is all I have, and no one wants to give me a boost or a chance.

--- Unloved and Disregarded... Among Friends ---

Friends work together. Friends fight. When I speak of friends online who drop me from friends lists, I feel unloved and disregarded. There are people whom I thought were friends, but then drop me. It leave me wondering... am I really friends with that person? Was I EVER a friend to that person whom I considered a great person? I don't know what I do or fail to do that leaves me without a friend. Even when there were people whom I was friends with until someone drops me, I still care about that person because part of me still says that the people whom left me still care about me in some kind of way. It's a naive train of thought, but the fact is... I care about people and don't want people to alienate me entirely. I was someone who had been kicked out of a high school and a university with many people whom I still had love and respect for. And all the many people whom I've had love for and respect for... decide not to return the favor or show me any love in return. Sometimes, I want to cry knowing that there are people in my life whom I thought were very special to me and don't want to return the favor.

That's why I honor every person who at least sees me as a friend. I honor people whom I deem as cool people. I honor guys whom are wonderful gentlemen. I honor girls whom I deem as beautiful, loyal, and respectful. I may do and say stupid things at times, but I never stop loving people whom I thought were friends of mine. And when someone stops caring about me or respecting me, I feel like I failed at some point in my life. Could I ever truly win the respect of someone? Could I have done more to keep friends? Could I have said and done something that would produce irreversible damage to a friendly bond or a relationship? Part of me still wants to keep in touch with friends, and some of those certain friends don't want to keep up with me anymore. I occasionally try to keep posting messages to people in hopes that they'll stay with me, but some either won't acknowledge me or give me any proper attention. It leads me to think that people have stopped caring. If my spirit can cry tears of hope that I may one day retain lost friends and keep bonds of friendship strong, I'd feel much better inside each day. But since that's not the case, I have to live with knowing that not every friendship or friendly bond lasts forever. I don't like it, but it's the truth. Sometimes, I guess I don't realize that some people can just stop caring about me, though I still love being friends with others. Even worse is just not being friends with me anymore and not giving me a reason why.

Sometimes, I try to find answers as to what I could have done if I had gotten a second chance to right a wrong. Could I have done more to keep a bond going, or was someone's standards far above my own to even care? I don't understand some people sometimes.

--- Unloved and Disregarded... Among Lovers ---

This is a tough one. There is love between two parties... then one or both parties don't like being with each other anymore. I've had many special friends. I've had many whom I could imagine being my future wife, but I was too stubborn and too unsure of who would actually be that one for me. An extreme case of unloved and disregarded would be when there's domestic abuse or when a lover/spouse is controlling. Basically taking a human being and turning him/her into property. I discussed this long ago regarding such men in a video and in a blog post called "Abusive and Controlling Men." I tell you- this is the absolute WORST case of being unloved and disregarded, to the point where you are no longer a human being... you are property. You're just treated as an organism that serves no purpose in this universe and in this lifetime. It is both deplorable and depressing.

--- Do You Feel Unloved and Disregarded? ---

I know the feeling of not having anyone to look up to or not having anyone available to help you feel better. I hate seeing people have to suffer from something in life. The feeling of being alone and/or unloved is a terrible feeling. Because I have had times where I felt like I have only myself to look up to, I do what I can to help people out and help them feel better about themselves.

Like on Facebook, I try to offer positive and calming words to those who feel unloved or have some tough days. Because I am not physically around people, this is the most I can do through cyberspace. I don't want loved ones and honest to goodness people to have to suffer from anything or feel lonely. The most common thing I say is that one is never alone because God loves you. No one should ever have to feel down on themselves or have no one (even spiritually) to look up to for guidance.

I don't want good people to feel down on themselves. Maybe I need to do more things online to help others feel better in rough times. I feel like I should do more to help shine a spotlight on certain people to get more attention and respect. For example, there are some blogs that I don't think are being read enough and could use some more visitors and get more traffic. The struggles of people in life are what fuels me to be a cheerleader and a positive voice for those who most need the support... or may not need the support, but would appreciate such support. Being unloved and disregarded is a terrible feeling. There are those who may be against any notion that we don't need other people to help us feel better personally. That may be true, but would you at least respect and honor helping someone legitimate who needs such support? A sports team needs more than just a star player to win games and championships. It takes a loving couple to come together to provide for themselves and their families (or to start a family). Without love and compassion from others, it feels like there's no reason to live at all. Being unloved and disregarded can really drive a proverbial wooden stake through your heart.

Long story short- you ARE loved. If there wasn't the promise of a better tomorrow, you probably wouldn't be living or even have someone come into your life and make things better for you. I honor and salute those who try to make other peoples' days better in any such way. And again- maybe I should do more things for more people to help them feel better in rough times.

I hope you appreciate my efforts to help you feel better in my various life issue blog posts. This is just one way I want to give back to people for reading my blog posts. I don't want you to feel bad. With a number of people who post a bunch of terrible things online about other people, at least it's refreshing to know that someone like myself cares about people like you. I have an international audience who views my material and shares my material. Therefore, I am mindful of others who may have problems. This is why many of my Life Issues blog posts are there and remain there- they may be of important use someday. I don't know if they are REALLY of any use if no one reads them. Until someone reads these posts and feels some sort of positive energy, I will keep providing posts like these to one day offer hope to people who most feel they need the support. Having said all of this, Thank you for reading.

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